The other night, I waited until the last second to get gas. It was like 1am by the time I made it to Circle K. I went inside, gave the girl my cash, and passed a man as I exited. He looked sort of biker-ish. As I walked to my car, I noticed there weren’t any other cars parked anywhere. For some reason, my mind all of a sudden jumped to,
“Oh my gosh…what if that biker guy came to hold up the gas station? What if he comes out here and shoots me?”
I never have thoughts like that…thus the reason I didn’t think twice about going to a Circle K after midnight. But then my next thought was even more surprising to me..
“What if tonight is the night I die? What if I have unconfessed sin?” And the scariest Bible verse I know came to mind: Psalm 129:23.
It says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!” Terrifying. As a probable extrovert with introvert tendencies, I have a lot of thoughts I keep to myself. For my whole life (since I was very very small), I have had the inclination to hide things: feelings, thoughts, actions, mistakes. If I could keep them to myself, if they could stay anonymous, I would stay “safe”. It brought to mind a dear friend. She has encountered just about every hide-able thing you can image- but she lives so vulnerably, she’s so open. (With the right people, of course. #boundaries)
You know how she can live this way? I think I do. She is fully confident that The Lord is a good father who gives good gifts. She really believes He loves us as His children with out restraint or condition. With a God THAT good, THAT tender- why wouldn’t I want Him to search my heart? He is safe to know. I recently watched Dead Poet’s Society and there’s a part where Mr. Keating says to his student who is fighting with his dad something along these lines, “Have you shared your passions with your dad? You’re not his indentured servant, you’re his son.” Dang. I am not God’s indentured servant trying to pay my way with my own righteousness. Jesus already paid that on the cross. I am His daughter who is loved, whole, & free. I can be confident that when I ask Him to search my heart, it may be uncomfortable, but it will be worth it. I have far fewer secrets than I used to…freedom is coming one step at a time. Being in the family has its privileges.
**Disclaimer: I don’t recommend going to Circle K at 1am. I also don’t endorse judging people as murderers just because they are wearing a bandana and shirt with an eagle on it. I’m working on being less judgmental. ;-)